This Week In Forth | Week of September 26
I apologize that this week’s edition is quite late, but I’ve been traveling again for work this week. However, I’ll be in the ATL exclusively (at least that is the plan) for the next few weeks and am hoping to get back in the swing of things and perhaps even finish an essay on a particular topic that I’ve been working on for literally six months. Please note that you should not be expecting the piece to be six months of effort awesome, it will be at the very most six-months worth of procrastination awesome, as I’m just very talented at postponing non pressing tasks. I chalk this trait up to having ADHD. Despite my tendency toward hypochondriasis and my love for WebMD where all roads (including the common cold) lead to a cancer self-diagnosis, I do in fact have a legitimate non self diagnosed case of ADHD.
Robert Pittenger and Kathy Miller: North Carolina legislator Robert Pittenger made some racially insensitive comments and include the familiar “I have black friends trope” in his apology/damage control attempt. I don’t know about you, but I’m not ready to accept this claim at face value without a more rigorous investigation. I want to see signed affidavits from the black friends in question that describe the nature of their friendship. Although, Robert Pittenger’s alleged black friends couldn’t save him, Kathy Miller (an Ohio Trump campaign county chairwoman) came to his rescue as her comments that asserted that racism didn’t exist in the 1960s made Pittenger’s comments seem mild (or at least provided a diversion) in comparison. Kathy Miller is the best thing that’s happened to Robert Pittenger all week in much the same way that Chris Brown is the best thing to ever happen to Ike Turner’s legacy.
The Debates: Were presidential debates always about who can land the most insults? Very reminiscent of playground joaning competitions, but I’ll certainly be tuning in for the next few rounds.
EpiPen: Mylan CEO Heather Bresch continues her attempt to convince the public that we’re all in this together and that the broken healthcare system is to blame for the fact that she raised the price of an EpiPen 400% and subsequently received a 600% salary increase to the tune of 18 million per year. At least when Martin Shkreli (owner of the sole copy of Wu-Tang’s Once up a Time in Shaolin, founder of Turing Pharmaceuticals and notorious douche sandwich) raised the price of an HIV drug from $13.50 to $750 he admitted that he did so because it allowed him to make a lot of money. It probably makes him a jerk, but at least he’s an honest jerk.
Blackish and Disney World Propaganda: Upon constructing the world of Coca-Cola in Atlanta Georgia, Coca-Cola discovered that they can get people to pay in excess of thirty dollars to experience an hour of Coca-Cola commercials and other Coca-Cola propaganda. That’s right, they’ve convinced us to pay to watch advertisements. Truly genius. ABC/Disney clearly wants in on this gravy train as they hijacked an episode of Blackish as a means of displaying a 30 minute Disney World vacation commercial conveniently disguised as a family vacation themed sitcom episode. After watching the episode, did I google Disney VIP vacation experiences like a sucker? Of course, I did! I have adorable nieces and nephews and I really have nothing better to do than to research ways in which to spoil them.
Don King, Sandra Lee, and Casey Anthony: Don King continues to display his unbridled support for Donald Trump, but I’m wondering if a Don King endorsement is really a good thing seeing as though Don King literally stomped a man to death. A Don King presidential endorsement is tantamount to a daycare endorsement by Casey Anthony or a restaurant endorsement by Sandra Lee from the show “Semi-Homemade”. For those who have to yet to experience “Semi-Homemade” firsthand, it is a food Network show that features Sandra Lee’s adventures in warming gross processed foods and serving them on fancy plates. Sandra Lee is basically the friend who buys takeout and puts it on real dishes in order to pretend that they made you a home cooked meal.
Sometimes Sandra Lee even attempts to prepare semi-homemade “cultural” dishes, most of the time such attempts end in disaster. One year in particular, Sandra prepared Kwanzaa and Hanukkah Cakes. In semi homemade fashion, this included buying store bought angel food cakes (I think they taste like sponges) and adding some atrocious ingredients. For Hanukkah, she covered the store bought angel food cake in blue icing, decorated it with pearls, and stuffed the bundt center with marshmallows. The marshmallow addition is both objectively gross and far from Kosher. To finish off the dish, the cake was topped with menorah candles.
To customize the angel food cake for black people, Sandra Lee decided to go with brown icing, because Kwanzaa = Brown People=Brown Icing. However, instead of using chocolate icing, Sandra Lee put an absurd amount of cinnamon (think more than a tablespoon) into a can of store bought icing in order to turn it brown. I have no doubt that with that quantity of cinnamon the icing tasted like a mix of dirt, sand, and the inside of an urn. Next, Sandra Lee stuffed the angel food cake bundt center with canned cinnamon apples, and covered the cake in pine nuts. I’m saying pine nuts as a means of giving Sandra Lee the benefit of the doubt, but on the actual show, Sandra Lee called the nuts in question acorns (but they really did look like pine nuts). I’m pretty sure only squirrels eat acorns, in fact acorns might be low-key poisonous to humans. To finish off the dish, Sandra Lee topped the cake with Kwanzaa candles.
In Memoriam: My condolences go out to the family of Miami Marlins’ Jose Fernandez as well as the family of Bill Nunn of Sister Act, Do the Right Thing, Spider Man, and New York Undercover fame. Bill Nunn was actually a college friend of my parents and I attended elementary school with his daughter for awhile. He lived on the West End, pretty close to where my family lived, and from time to time fans would drive by his home to watch him mow his lawn. He was a great guy, and he will be missed.