This Week in FORTH |Baby Kissing, Brock Turner, & Affordable Taco Trucks

Week of September 6th


Political Theater and Infectious Diseases: Although I don’t have children, I believe that I’m qualified to give parenting advice, as on more than one occasion I’ve been at least partially responsible for keeping tiny humans alive for nearly several hours at a time. Moreover, I believe that childfree individuals are uniquely qualified to give parenting advice as we don’t have the myopic tunnel vision caused by being in the trenches raising kids day in and day out; we really have an invaluable perspective that can only be obtained by having no experience whatsoever. Thus, I can say with full confidence that parents everywhere should stop allowing politicians to kiss their babies and allow this ultra-creepy baby-kissing tradition to die once and for all. I was thoroughly disturbed by the recent photograph of Donald Trump kissing a wailing infant during his visit to a predominately African-American church in Detroit this weekend. I don’t understand why one would allow one’s baby to be kissed by an absolute stranger. While we can assume that Trump is orange because he shares the same incompetent spray tan artist as John Boehner, (a spray tan artist who happens to still be paying off loans associated with his degree in Spray Tan Science and Technology from Trump University) can we actually confirm this? Trump could actually have a heinous infectious disease that has rendered his skin orange. While the heinous infectious disease theory may be a bit far-fetched, we can in fact confirm that Donald Trump, or any politician for that matter, has kissed so many babies and shaken so many hands on the campaign trail that he’s a walking petri dish. This is by no means an attack on Donald Trump. I couldn’t recommend that any parent allow Hillary Clinton to kiss their baby either. (Note: this is not an official assessment of Hillary Clinton’s health as I wish not to be fired a la Dr. Drew).

Brock Turner: What can I say? I am at a loss for words here. This week a rapist is released from prison after only three months served. How can we ask victims who have suffered so much already to endure the trauma associated with an investigation and trial when our definition of justice is a mere 3 months behind bars? There are no words.


JonBenét Ramsey/Katy Perry Conspiracy Theories: I’m not sure whether it is a cheap publicity stunt on behalf of CBS in order to garner interest in their forthcoming JonBenét Ramsey miniseries or if there are actual humans who believe that Katy Perry is in fact JonBenét Ramsey, but I recently got wind of a conspiracy theory that suggests just that. I’ve always wondered how conspiracy theories catch on. I don’t quite understand how the very same conspiracy theorists who are wont to believe that JonBenét Ramsey and Katy Perry are the same person have been completely dismissive of my own theory: the very real possibility that several of the Jacksons are the same person. Case in point, when is the last time we’ve seen all of the living Jacksons in the same place? I’m not ready to concede that Janet, Latoya and Rebbie are different people. I’m also unwilling to concede that Jackie, Tito and Marlon are different people. However, I will concede that there are likely more than 5 Jacksons, but not nine, definitely not nine.


Troy Aikman vs Skip Bayless: Troy Aikman minced no words in expressing his reaction to the fact that the FOX Sports network recently handed Skip Bayless (formerly of ESPN) a giant briefcase full of cash to jump ship. Aikman states, “I believe success is achieved by acquiring and developing talented, respected and credible individuals, none of which applies to Skip Bayless.” We all know that Stephen A. and Skip Bayless are the absolute worst. We all know that “First Take” most nearly resembles the incoherent and pompous musings of loud drunk uncles at the family reunion. However, I must admit that Aikman’s assessment was a bit harsh. Even if this is a publicity stunt geared toward increasing Fox Sports network viewership, I’m grabbing my popcorn as I hope that this feud escalates (faux-feud or otherwise) into a spectacle so shady and petty that even Kanye West and Taylor Swift will be clutching their pearls.

Johnny Manziel and Tim Tebow: Kudos to Johnny Manziel and Tim Tebow for forging new career paths . Tim Tebow is pursuing a professional baseball career, while Manziel is taking online classes at Texas A&M. I sure hope this works out for them, since underneath every flash in the pan professional athlete is a far worse sports caster. I hope that Johnny Football and Tim Tebow find great success in their fledgling baseball and collegiate scholar careers. It is my hope that such endeavors will keep them fully occupied and unavailable to contribute to sports casting roles. This will allow me to enjoy ESPN and the SEC network coverage in peace (with the exception of Jesse Palmer. Can we occupy him with another stint on The Bachelor?) By the way, my mother is going to kill me for this because she loves her some Tim Tebow. (I have love for Tim Tebow too, just not as a football player or sportscaster)


Amazon: According to a CNN money article released this week, Amazon is completely dominating the market, boasting soaring stock prices, and a $370 billion dollar valuation. I’m a huge Amazon prime fan, and until very recently I would have attributed Amazon’s massive success to the fact that the American consumer is becoming increasingly savvy. Well, I thought Americans were savvy until I noticed that Amazon viewers rated Caillou 4 ½ stars. How could Caillou, the worst children’s show of all time, and the worst Canadian export since Nickelback and Tom Green be rated 4 ½ stars? I couldn’t believe that the glorification of a helpless, whiny, exasperating, and mostly incompetent toddler would receive such a high rating. To provide a frame of reference, the Horse Whisperer/Mr. Holland’s Opus DVD combo pack also received 4 ½ stars on Amazon. While the Horse Whisperer is pretty meh, Mr Holland’s Opus is a great film, and the Horse Whisperer DVD could definitely be used as a coaster to host one’s drinks while viewing Mr. Holland’s Opus. How does Caillou get the same rating as Mr. Holland’s Opus? I may have completely lost faith in humanity.


Affordable Taco Act: The founder of “Latino’s For Trump”, Marco Gutierrez, recently uttered what could only be described as the most compelling argument for full amnesty of undocumented immigrants I’ve ever heard. Specifically, Gutierrez alluded to the seemingly credible threat that offers of amnesty could result in a new America signified by “Taco Trucks on Every Corner”. Oddly enough, the message was intended to sway America in favor of immigration control strategies. It was an odd message indeed to deliver to an electorate that is so staunchly pro-burrito that we risk botulism, e-coli, hunger games-esque parking lot battles, and out the door lines in order to get our daily Chipotle fix. The pro-Taco agenda is probably the only segment of American politics for which bipartisan unity is the norm. In fact, the “Taco Strategy”, formally known as “The Affordable Taco Act” and informally “Taco Care” has broad implications on the US economy. In particular, the influx of jobs and increase in small business activity associated with “Taco Trucks on Every Corner” will push quarterly GDP growth well beyond the abysmal 1% we’ve seen as of late. In addition, the increased competition will be great for the consumer, as the “Affordable Taco Act” will bring down the cost of tacos as a result of increased supply and competition. However, those of you who already have a taco truck on their corner have nothing to fear. If you like your current taco plan you can keep it, and your monthly taco premiums and taco related expenses should go down by several dollars. There will also be plenty of coupons and subsidies for those who cannot currently afford street food.

Well, that’s all I have for this week. If you have any top you’d like me to discuss, please hit me up, and I’ll be sure to address it. (