A Friendly Halloween Public Service Announcement

So, it’s been awhile since we chatted.

I would say that I’ve been busy grinding and making “things” happen, but that excuse would require showing the “things” in question that have materialized as fruits of my alleged labor. Since I have nothing to show for such an excuse, I suppose I’ll have to come up with something else. What is the written equivalent of starting a sentence with, “What had happened was…” before trailing off into a whisper and murmuring something indiscernible under my breath hoping that nobody asks me to repeat myself or clarify the indistinguishable nonsense I’ve just uttered? I guess the point is, I really don’t have much of an excuse other than the fact that life happens, and I’ve gone through some major changes lately including switching up my nine to five gig. But at any rate, I had to come back seeing as though there is much to chat about now that we’re in a new era in which the world seems to be sliding quickly into hell via handbasket, which is not great considering the extremely flammable nature of handbaskets and extremely flamey nature of hell (I thought I had made up the world flamey as I am wont to do, but upon googling, it I realized that not only is it real, it is semi-appropriate for this sentence). I have some semi-serious stuff to share with y’all, but I’ll hold that for later. Instead, I figured I’d start off light and breezy with a quick public service announcement to help you have a successful Halloween celebration. So, without further adieu:

Halloween PSA: This Tuesday, children all across America will don carefully selected costumes and walk door-to-door throughout their respective neighborhoods in search of the best opportunities to increase their risk of tooth decay and Type-II diabetes all in the name of a holiday known as “Halloween”, or as the Fundamentalists among us would call it, “The Devil’s Birthday”. I’m not going to wade into the debate as to whether or not Halloween is a satanic holiday, but I will lay down some ground rules as to proper candy etiquette. To keep it simple, I’ll limit this to a single rule. That is, under no circumstances should you or anyone in your household hand out any non-candy item: this includes, raisins, craisins, carrot sticks, watchtower pamphlets, multi-level marketing materials, or dental paraphernalia such as toothbrushes, toothpaste, or floss (the floss sticks are a slippery slope, because they are my favorite dental industry accoutrement outside of laughing gas). You have 364 days of the year to push whatever agenda you have on the impressionable youth; Halloween is not the time. I don’t care if you are a dentist or a nutritionist. Take this night as an opportunity to drum up business.

Spoiler alert – The market is going to correct itself sooner rather than later; you will need the revenue from those wonderfully rotten teeth when the stock market starts to plummet. Take a chapter from pediatricians who take no issue with encouraging the spread of infectious disease among the youth population. Why else would they have toys in their waiting room other than to encourage the sharing of germs, which inevitably results in increased revenue?

Next, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention costumes. I’m going to call this guideline the Julianne Hough Rule. That is, under no circumstances is it acceptable for you to wear a costume that includes blackface of any kind. You would think that wouldn’t be necessary to utter in 2017, but every year without fail, I see several blackface costumes. Don’t let that be you. Also, if you aren’t familiar with the term “cultural appropriation”, google it, and don’t do that either. Please and thank you!

Also, as an aside: if your celebrations this week include the combination of costumes and candy, you are in fact celebrating Halloween. I don’t care if you call it “Hallelujah Fun Day”, “Trunk or Treat”, or a “Fall Festival”, a costumed celebration of any kind occurring toward the end of October constitutes a Halloween celebration regardless of what you actually call it. You don’t get to opt-out of handing out candy on religious grounds (I’ll say Christian grounds, because I don’t know enough about other religions’ Halloween dynamics to weigh in) if you engaged in a candy and costume scenario after church on Sunday. Regardless of where you stand on the “Satan’s Birthday” issue, (I don’t feel passionately either way, to each his own) turning off the porch lights or giving out crappy candy (barring extenuating financial circumstances of course) is not a good way to love thy neighbor (had to break out the “thy” because those refusing to hand out candy in the name of legalism likely don’t recognize translations outside of the King James variety).

Now that that’s settled, I hope you all enjoy your celebrations, or non celebrations, Halloween protests, Halloween counter-protests, whatever; the point is, enjoy whatever your heart desires as long as it includes handing out delicious treats of “fun size” candy bar quality or better.