One of my New Year’s resolutions was to write more frequently. I write a lot of code at my job, so I really wanted to balance that out with you know, actual words. Fast forward to September, and I realize that I’ve failed epically. Thus, I’ve decided to resort to my foolproof method for achieving any and all goals in life: significantly lowering expectations. That is, if I aim to write shorter multi-topic pieces on a regular basis (with the idea that I’ll craft longer more cohesive pieces every once in awhile), the theory is that I might actually be able to produce material at a reasonably regular cadence. Thus, I’m going to try something new by attempting to post weekly ish (I hate to put a definitive schedule into the Universe, but I must make some declaration, since public shame seems to be the only thing that motivates me to make things happen) pieces regarding my observation on recent events.
With that said, if you ever have any topics you wish me to discuss within the weekly pieces, please hit me up on twitter, and be sure to leave comments. My self esteem is actually tied to the feedback I get on social media, so if you tell me how great I am it will save me on therapy bills later on. Just don’t go too far with it, because if the praise pushes me into narcissistic personality disorder territory, I will end up needing therapy anyway, which will completely defeat the purpose. Without further adieu, here’s my inaugural week in review.
Yung Joc: I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Yung Joc this week. After all, the Yung Joc inspired press-n-curl themed memes are likely to go down in the annals of ratchet history as Yung Joc’s greatest contribution to pop culture since the “motorcycle” dance craze. I’ll be visiting my sweet nephew this weekend, so like Yung Joc I flat ironed my hair (although I’m pretty sure he applied some creamy crack, a step I myself did not take). I generally try to avoid following the WWJD mantra (What Would Joc Do) since it almost always ends in tragedy, but I made an exception this week. The reason being is that my nephew loves my curly hair and shows his appreciation by pulling and twisting my hair as hard as he possibly can, forming a freakishly strong grip (considering the fact that he is indeed a baby) that requires me to use all the strength I can muster to pry his tiny hands from my coils one finger at a time. However, my nephew is not impressed by my straight hair (he hates it so much that he isn’t enticed to pull it one bit), thus by flat ironing, I ascertain a pull-free visit.
We’ve established that I flat ironed this week so that my nephew won’t be tempted to pull my hair, but what in the world is Yung Joc’s excuse? He uploaded a video that implied that he is living the fried dyed and laid to the side lifestyle for a film role. I’m not sure how I feel about this. I can’t imagine what film role that could be, and I wasn’t aware that he is an actor. However, upon consultation with my brother, I determined that Yung Joc must be starring in the Lifetime version of “The Little Richard” biopic as I believe he holds at least one of the two prerequisites for starring in a Lifetime biopic: the two prerequisites are as follows:
· Be a Terrible actor actor
· Be three to five shades lighter or darker than the actual historical figure you are portraying
Kaepernick: I won’t say too much on this topic as it has been discussed at length and I have no original insights to add to the discourse. However, I would like to address Kaepernick’s birth mother who took it upon herself to scold her son (my understanding is that she has no relationship with Kaepernick) via her twitter account. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to have a parent disagree with and/or chastise you in a public forum. Even if I said something that my parents wholeheartedly disagreed with, they absolutely would never, ever publicly comment on it. In fact my mother only follows two accounts on twitter: my twitter account, and the Forth District account (because Forth District occasionally publishes things I write). My mother logs in every few month to like my updates, even ones froth with pop culture references that I’m quite certain she doesn’t understand. That is how moms are supposed to do twitter, be it birth moms, adoptive moms, your mama ‘n them, aunties, etc. If you don’t like what your kid has to say, send them a text, a letter, or a carrier pigeon. Instead of of criticizing Kaepernick’s choice to sit down, Kaepernick’s birth mother needs to take several seats herself.
THE VMAs: Beyonce, wow, just wow. I’m not a card-carrying member of the Bey Hive by any stretch of the imagination, but I certainly get it. Bey is ALWAYS at the top of her game. As a professional, I have to admire her commitment to her craft and her ability to seem to always deliver. Now Rihanna, dear Rihanna. Depending on how you interpret it, what I’m going to say next will come off as either “over spiritual” or extremely sacrilegious. As crazy as it may sound, (and no shade intended) Rihanna’s final performance honestly reminded me of a passage on suffering from a Tim Keller book I read a few years ago. In the book Keller shared an anecdote about having a terrible dream in which his family was murdered after which he was awakened only to realize that they were safe. Tim Keller argued that the joy of finding his family safe was far greater because he had suffered through the nightmare.
Anyway, during Rihanna’s last performance of “Stay”, I was reminded of that Tim Keller passage because Rihanna’s ability to make it through the runs was far sweeter having witnessed some truly terrible notes during her previous performances. For you see, during her rougher performances, I couldn’t begin to tell you the key in which she was singing because it was most definitely beyond the scope of what is defined in musical theory. Anyway, upon hearing a decent performance of “Stay” after hearing those awful runs, I was honestly reminded of that Time Keller passage. I believe that this means that I’m either super saved or super sinful. I’m not really sure which one it is.
My final note on the VMAS: regarding the Rihanna + Drake, are they or aren’t they in love rumors—I don’t care. In my mind Drake and Nicki Minaj (she needs to dump Meek mill ASAP) are soul mates and I can’t be made to care about a Rihanna + Drake pairing.
Ryan Lochte: Let’s send a prayer out to the producers of Dancing With the Stars who are now charged with the daunting task of coming up with interesting albeit non douchey backstories/segments on Ryan Lochte. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, I’ve actually seen an episode of his now infamous E network reality show. From the show, it is clear to me that Ryan Lochte’s life consists of waking up, doing idiotic things, getting drunk and doing even more offensive and idiotic things (presumably as a result of being under the influence) before heading to bed only to repeat the cycle again the next day. For good measure, he also makes sure that he sprinkles in a healthy dose of cultural appropriation. If you didn’t have the displeasure of seeing his life play out live and in living color on the “E” network, I’m sure you’ve borne witness to his exploits in Rio. In particular, Lochte got drunk, vandalized a bathroom, made a false report to the authorities (stating that he was the victim of an armed robbery on the mean streets of Rio), and left his team high and dry to deal with the fallout. Good luck dancing with the Stars producers, you’re going to need it if you have any hopes of finding footage that isn’t vapid and douchey. Also, I better not hear that there was another Olympian (say one with a bit more integrity) who wanted Lochte’s spot on Dancing with the Stars. Even if the air riling champion wanted his spot (because face it, nobody cares about air rifling), I’m putting ABC on notice. I’m assuming that Lochte was the only Olympian to answer the phone, because I sure hope ABC isn’t in the business of awarding idiotic behavior.
The rest of the Olympics: So much Black Girl Magic! My heart is full.
Football season: It’s starting soon and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I’m not sure how I survived the summer sans football.
Well, that’s all I have for this week. If you have any top you’d like me to discuss, please hit me up, and I’ll be sure to address it. (https://twitter.com/korinreid)