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Goodbye, 2015: The Top 5 Things We Hope Will Never Happen Again

The Top 5 Things That Should Stay In 2015

As the stores are clearing the aisles of Christmas and New Year decorations to make room for boxes of chocolates and candy hearts in preparation for singleness awareness day, I figured it would be timely to compile a list of things I wish would remain in 2015:

1.McRibs

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Just like herpes, the McRib seems to return year after year. I can’t for the life of me find the appeal of unidentified pork meat set in a jello mold to mimic the shape of baby back ribs. I must admit that I’ve never tasted the McRib. But then again, I’ve never craved to chew on my yoga mat, which I assume is exactly what it the McRib tastes like.

2. Creflo Dollar’s Plane

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America can badger President Obama about his birth certificate, but somehow Creflo Dollar gets a free pass? What a strange world we live in. I wonder if “Dollar” is the name he was given at birth, because if so, it is a case of serendipitous verbal irony (Alanis Morissette taught me the concept of irony, so I’m not sure if I’m using the word correctly). I was absolutely done when Creflo Dollar vocalized his request for a $65 million dollar jet in order to spread the gospel, because the private jet he currently owns just won’t do. $65 million would go very far in sponsoring overseas missions rather than shuttling Creflo back and forth between his ritzy churches and residences in Atlanta and Manhattan. I remember not too many years ago when Creflo Dollar was thanking the Lord for the brand spanking new Rolls Royce that his church purchased in order to help him spread the gospel. Because let’s face it, the gospel can’t be properly shared in a Rolls Royce more than 5 years old. I’m sure that next year he’ll be asking for a yacht to spread the gospel to the Mediterranean. Good grief!!

3. Selfie Sticks

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I had the opportunity to visit New York City a few times for work this year. While walking through Times Square, I was accosted by a barrage of selfie sticks, which made navigating through the crowds nearly impossible. Nevertheless, I do respect one’s right to open carry a selfie stick. However, in recent times things have gotten completely out of hand as I have noticed that folks are expecting selfies of me. For example, I recently spent Christmas in Barcelona, and upon reviewing the photographs I had taken, my mother and sister inquired as to why I wasn’t in any of the pictures. Naturally, I then inquired as to why they expected me to be in the photographs. They simply replied, “To serve as proof that you were actually there”. What in the world? Now we are requiring selfies as proof of travel? SMH!!!

4. The Rise of the Reality Star

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From Kim Kardashian’s rise from “home video” star to becoming one of Time Magazine’s most fascinating people to Donald Trump’s rise from Apprentice Star (don’t believe the businessman hype, the majority of his fortunate stems from the entertainment industry and the licensing of his name…he doesn’t own his real estate empire, he is simply paid for the right to name buildings after him) to presidential candidate, I sincerely hope that the “famous for being famous” trend fizzles out in 2016. However, I am sure this is just wishful thinking. I’ve all but accepted the fact that “Basketball Wives”, “Love and Hip Hop”, and the Kardashian/Real Housewife franchise are here to stay. However a girl can dream, right?

5. Terrible Holiday Songs:

I’ve compiled a list of Holiday songs that ought not return in 2016, they are as follows:

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town”: Am I the only one who is creeped out by the fact that Santa “Knows when you are sleeping and knows when you’re awake”? How creepy is that? Santa Claus is a stalker. There is a thin line between a sleigh full of presents and a van full of candy. Parents “Better Watch Out” indeed.

“The Christmas Shoes”: To illustrate my point, I’ve posted a few of the problematic lyrics from the Christmas Shoes Song.

“Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my mama, please
It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, daddy says there’s not much time
You see she’s been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful, if mama meets Jesus tonight”

Wow, what a downer this one is. Christmas is supposed to be about baby Jesus and the homey Gabriel, not resurrected Jesus and the angel of death. I don’t want to think about a kid losing his mother on Christmas. This is just depressing.

“Last Christmas Gave you My Heart”: A few of the problematic lyrics are as follows.

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special”

Whoever wrote this song needs to chill this year, not Netflix and Chill, but chill at home alone. After making a huge mistake last year, she’s declaring her intentions to turn around and do the same thing again. Will she ever learn?

“Baby It’s Cold Outside”: In light of the recent events surrounding Bill Cosby, this song is particularly creepy. We have a fiend insisting a woman who is worried that “something’s in her drink” stay the night because “it’s cold outside”. No matter how many adorable commercials Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga shoot for Barnes and Noble, this song will never be okay.

“I’ll be home for Christmas”: “I’ll be home for Christmas if only in my dreams” sounds like the musings of a deadbeat parent filling their child’s mind with empty promises; no need for such a disappointment during the Holidays.

“12 Day of Christmas”: Nothing says true love like gifting livestock (4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree) and strippers (9 ladies dancing, 8 Lords a leaping).

“Little Drummer Boy”: In what translation of the Bible does the “Little Drummer Boy” appear at the manger scene? I’m assuming it is the same translation in which Christopher Walken shows up to accompany the drummer boy in question, staunchly advocating for the need for “more cowbell”. Also, why does the “Little Drummer Boy” have only one beat? When folks are bringing gold, frankincense and myrrh to the scene, you’d think he’d prepare more than “Pa rapa pam pam”.

2016 & A Look Towards Hope

Despite my hopes for the future, in all likelihood, we’ll be singing “The Little Drummer Boy” for years to come, Donald Trump very well could become the Republican presidential nominee, like 24/7 breakfast, the McRib could become a permanent staple of McDonald’s franchises, and this time next year, Creflo Dollar may be raising funds alongside Newt Gengrich for a luxurious private spaceship with the goal of creating a Plymouth Rock-esque Christian colony on the moon. But alas, just like my setting goals of single digit body fat and evolving into a person that is no longer entertained by Maury paternity show tests, the early days of January are for wishful thinking.

  • Tyshan Broden

    Hilarious

  • Kimberley Minor Gross

    Love it!

  • Ruth

    Why was the McRib ever brought back??!! 😠 😠 😠