Should I try to rekindle a relationship with my ex-wife? We hooked up on Valentine’s Day after watching 50 shades of grey? The reason why she is my ex-wife is because of adultery on her part. After a bitter divorce I hated her. But still miss my best friend. Or should I just call that a failed marriage because she is not capable of being faithful?
First off, I’m not sure if “hooked up” meant yall got together for dinner and a movie which resulted in a hearty hand shake at the end of the night. Oooor if you wrote GTD in your diary the next morning (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1a4Gav0TxY). In any event, Valentine’s Day is not a fair litmus test to base whether or not to rekindle old flames. On that day you’re fighting off old feelings, you’re getting caught up in the holiday spirit, Cupid is bussin’ hot slugs into your back side, and to top it all off you threw in SEX (on the screen). All these ingredients add up to a recipe for disaster. Now if genuine feelings popped back up, cool. But it sounds like you may have gotten caught up in the moment. If that is the case, I would encourage you to resist the temptation to jump back in.
Next, overcoming a divorce, especially when adultery is involved can be a very difficult task but it sounds like you have managed to persevere. Or maybe you haven’t which makes hooking back up even more dangerous and unfair to your heart, healing, and recovery (not to mention the emotional roller coaster she may be on as a result of your date). With that being said, reconciliation is an admirable pursuit, especially in light of you saying that you “miss your best friend.” I’m hoping that you came to the realization that you missed your ex before 50 shades got your pants stretching, if not that’s no bueno. In any event, it is imperative that you involve some sort of counseling into your decision making process. I would suggest individual counseling for you and couples counseling AFTER you address your issues on a solo level. It is very possible your feelings are fleeting emotions being manipulated by real or perceived loneliness. Or you may be experiencing a desire to be united with someone on a marital level and it is very easy to fall into the trap of wanting that old thing back.
Lastly, seeing as how you hated your ex after your first break up, reuniting might do more harm than good. If you try again and it does not work, how will that affect your heart and any future woman that comes on the scene? Will this create a bitter root in you that will negatively affect all you future relationships? Or will you be able to keep it moving? Also, as you touched on in your letter, can she be trusted? Is her character flawed or was there some other reason she strayed from your union? Are you mature enough to forgive her and to not forever hold her failure over her head? Can you look her in her eyes and she her how God sees her or is she forever damaged goods to you? Side note: The marriage may have failed but neither of you are failures, just broken people living in a broken world, both in need of hope and healing.
To answer your question, I’d pray and then wait for the path to become CLEAR. If you only think about your ex when you watch 50 shades or get lonely late night, I’d say keep it moving. If your heart is healed and you believe she is worth pursuing, do it. Don’t go back for the sake of revisiting familiar territory and don’t play games with her heart. Real men know what they want and they go after it. If you’re serious about reconciliation, handle your business. If you ain’t ‘bout that life, don’t do that bro!
Jon A. Parker, MAMFT
Counselor. Life Coach. Social Provocateur.
JP is a professional side kick. He enjoys riding motorcycles, globe trotting, and collecting pint glasses. Jon is a licensed counselor, a marriage and family therapist, and life coach. He also moonlights as a branding consultant and dabbles in artist management. Jon strongly believes that self care i.e. vacations and massages are keys to longevity and creative thinking. Jon is passionate about social justice and improving the human condition across the globe. #WESHALLOVERCOME