10 New Year’s Resolutions You Should Have Made

New Year. New Lies

Every year it is the same ole thing: New Year. New Lies.

We make resolutions, big ones too, hoping that we are going to be different, changed, and revived.


We enter every year the same. Fooled.

Here’s the thing though.

There isn’t a problem with resolutions. There’s a problem with the type of resolutions people make.

Dudes who can’t independently open up a jar of pickles say things like, “This year, I am going to hit the gym daily and push 225lbs on the bench press!” Naw bro. You may want to hit the shake-weight first, with your Pepper-Ann arms.

Or girls will snicker, “I am done with loser guys. I am focusing on me. I’m dating me. I’m doing me Boo-Boo!” Not so fast though sis. It won’t even be February yet and you’ll be over there Netflixing and Chilling with James? Yes. That James.

That’s why we always give up on our resolutions. They aren’t really attainable.

We need to make measurable, reachable goals, first.

Real resolutions.

Real Resolutions

Here are ten resolutions that everyone reading this should be able to relate to, at least one.

10. This year I will: stop peeing on the toilet seat. Guys, enough! It’s embarrassing. There’s no reason for you to struggle with accuracy for this long. Just sit down!

9. This year I will: always carry gum on me. You ever been talking to a person and it smelt like they had just brushed their teeth with swamp water? You know who you are. Handle that.

8. This year I will: wear shirts that ONLY fit me. Look, I get it. I have goals too. But if you think it’s cute to wear that t-shirt that you wore in high school then you don’t have a good friend to tell you the truth: People are STARING.

8.a Get a Life Caddie: See Forth’s “Don’t Do That Bro” Podcast

7. This year I will: stop watching reality TV. It sets us back at least 400 years. We gotta do better. Read a book. Go for a walk. Basically, do something…anything else besides watch people with more money than you cry, fight and complain like they have less money than you.

6. This year I will: not allow my white friends to dance more than three songs, if we are at a primarily black wedding. Good friends don’t let white friends “Whip and Nae-Nae” in an unapproved environment.

5. This year I will: be honest and admit that Taco Bell is delicious. Just me? Oh, ok.

4. This year I will: do something dangerous. Jump out a plane, punch a puppy, or maybe even volunteer to babysit a couple’s newborn. However, right before it is time to show-up, I’m gonna back out at the last minute.

Live on the edge people!

3. This year I will: stop being a chump and share my HBO Go password (Please adds yours in the comments below.)

2. This year I will: admit that Taylor Swift is a beast.

1. This year I will: not use the phrases, “I don’t know,” “It doesn’t matter,” or “You choose,” when my bae ask me, “What do you want to eat for dinner?

What do you think are some other real resolutions for 2016?

  • Tyshan Broden

    Lol!!!! Are these really goals? I must admit that Taco Bell is good…which I consider sin bc I’m a Texan and we all know Tex Mex and Authentic Mexican food is better. No you can’t have my HBO password info. I’m sad I don’t have anything to add…